QUAGMIRE COMMANDS CESSPOOL
Final Score: Quarmire 14,
Cesspool 0
The 35th Annual ToiletBowl started off to yet another glorious Thanksgiving. Although there was no rain to speak of, it did rain the day before so there was plenty of water on the field. It would serve Poobah's purpose. The field looked like a high school homecoming committee ran through at the last minute, a bitter chill was in the air, and it was a little chilly on these sexy bones of mine.
We had a great turnout for breakfast and the usual shenanigans happened: pre-game trash-talk complete with t-shirts and handouts, good old-fashioned Southland Baptist Fellowship, and plenty of greasy food. After 30 minutes of that everyone was pumped to head over to the filed and promptly vomit up their $8.50 while stretching.
To save time I'll fill you in on the pre-game activities in a haiku:
Everyone stretches,
Poobah calls for all to group,
Poobah is ignored
Truth be told, Poobah doesn't see the need to pre-game it anymore. I think I should since it's a long-held tradition to ignore me while I'm giving important and pertinent game info due to the simple fact that inevitably, someone stops me to ask me the rules. But I digress..
The game kicks off promptly at 8:32 am at Powell Road Park in cloudy and cold Colliervegas. It takes both teams several attempts to get things going despite the Cesspool cries of "foul" on the part of Poobah's team-picking abilities. Much like Scully and Mulder, the truth is out there and all I can say is if the first quarter was any indication of skullduggery, then that's the lamest excuse of skullduggery I've ever seen.
First Quarter ends with a score of Quagmire 0, Cesspool 9.
Looking to regroup in the 2nd Quarter, both teams did anything but that. There were several creative attempts at offense and shades of Billy Willard, Jr. Play making were evident in the dirt of both sides as Quagmire and Cesspool tried to break through stonewalled defenses. To put it simply, it just wasn't happening.
Like some old ball coach said one time that I can't remember, "defenses win ball games" and that old coach must've smiled on the Basins for one second late in the 2nd Quarter. Cesspool gets pushed back deep in their own end zone. The Basins push a frenzied "swarm" blitz and frustrate Plunger QB Richie Willard for a sack and a safety. Howls and taunts were heard and there was more gnashing of teeth than Judgment Day on the Cesspool side.
Quagmire Basins 2, Cesspool Plungers 0
After this initial score both teams traded licks and have huge running and passing attacks. The defenses held strong to push back a wave of ToiletBowl Magic Momentum on both sides.
Quagmire stunned the Plungers by running 2 up the gut and then going long to ringer, I mean new-comer Jacob Dries for the first Quagmire TD of the game. Extra point attempt failed.
Quagmire 8 cesspool 0.
Around the middle of the 2nd quarter none other than Austen Onek from News Channel 3 shows up to see the game for himself. Yes, the ToiletBowl actually had a minor celebrity show up. A funny thing happened at the first sighting of Austen Onek, the players did Poobah proud and went all out! Then they quickly fizzled into a foam of insignificant goo as halftime approached.
At Halftime, the score was Quagmire 8 cesspool 0.
Halftime is an unusual thing at the ToiletBowl. At first longtime friends who haven't seen each other get together to talk and are promptly escorted away to their respective sides to go over game plans. This is where the magic happens. Truly it does....at least something did on this day. With Austen Onek showing up the halftime ceremonies obviously revolved around him. A spectacular awards ceremony was held where Austen received the "Official Meteorologist for the ToiletBowl" award.
After all the "nicey-nice" was done it was back to the grind. Adjustments had been made, anger had been channeled, and that darn paste-eater was going down (or so I heard in one of the huddles)! The 2nd Chapter of ToiletBowl 35 was about to begin!
At the start of the 3rd Quarter something either worked or didn't. Both offenses went back and forth with nothing gained. Cesspool had a chance for a score but an early blown whistle by top notch referee Bill Willard cost them the score. Bill thought he had seen contact and a flag pulled but his vantage point blocked the view. Such things happen in this game and it can go either way. This time it didn't go the Plungers way.
With 12 minutes gone in the 3rd, Quagmire had a chance for a big score from a lumbering Collin Gibbs but the Cesspool safeties tracked him (yes, tackled in a FLAG FOOTBALL GAME) and the Basins just couldn't get the ball in. Cesspool had a stellar goal line stance and prevented the Basins from moving ahead. Let me recap by saying STELLAR. This may be a flag football game but it quickly devolves into full contact. This was truly a goal-line stand with not even an inch gained. I came back with bruises....and I'm pretty tough.
At the end of the 3rd Quarter the score was still Quagmire 8 cesspool 0.
So into the 4th and Final Quarter we see that both teams have forgotten common motor skills and thrown football logic out the window. Evidently as you get older those cramps drain blood from your head and when you run you lose more blood, resulting in a lack of judgment. When this happens in groups you get Memphis City Goverment.....or the ToiletBowl.
The score is still knotted at 8-0 and Cesspool had several attempts but just couldn't get anything going. I even saw Mack King throw a pass. They were pulling out all the stops for sure.
Quagmire has the ball on their own 40 yard line and QB Josh Dries throws deep once again to Clay Jones for another Quagmire Score. The Basins fail on the extra point attempt. Don't recognize these names? They are new comers who replaced the old vets who retire. Poobah keeps them coming for sure.
Quagmire 14, Cesspool 0.
So the score is Quagmire 14 cesspool 0 and Cesspool starts a serious comeback. They march down the field on brilliant plays that stifle the Basin D. They are on the goal line and making progress until on two consecutive plays Poobah ( YES POOBAH) comes in and sacks the Cesspool QB Cody Willard for losses to prevent the score.
And the shocker...Austen Onek comes in for one play and is the lead blocker for Collin Gibbs and another big gain. The de facto welcome to a newcomer is to get your block knocked off and my Toiletries didn't disappoint. They took out years of frustration of Austen denying us rain and leveled him on this play. Kudos to Austen for taking it on the chin. You've earned your golden cardboard trophy my friend.
So the game ends in a stellar win for Quagmire 14-0.
The one thing that I'm not crazy about is that it was the new guys that came in to the ToiletBowl that scored all of the points. This leads most to believe that Poobah stacked his team. However, Poobah has a vault of BCS style computers to accurately calculate the strengths and weaknesses of all players to tally the final rosters. The computer simply could not accommodate the effects of gravity and age on existing players. So my apologies on that one....my bad.
The Athletic Prowess MVP of the 35th Annual ToiletBowl went to Jeff "Tank" Tankersley. Tank's innate ability to call the right defense and to muster the lackluster talent of the Basins to shut down the mighty Plungers may be a calling for Rec. League football, but at the ToiletBowl it's good enough to win you the MVP award.
In this year's LAME category, the Trash Talk MVP goes to Kim Hill, Jeff Hill's wife, who submitted one trash talk email in Jeff's defense. And that ,my friends, is quite enough to win the lamest of all lame MVP awards. But that's democracy. The people vote, and they get what they want.
Other Notes : Collin Gibbs for multiple sacks and large yardage gains, Mason Wilbanks (rookie) made a solid first start, Cody Willard played really well as QB, Dustin Keith for not knocking me over, Mack King for representin' and fixing the crick in Poobah's neck, Swill for all the special John Aurthur Eaves swag, Josh and Jacob Dries, Clay Jones, Bendall, Andy Williams and all the Highpoint crew, Richie Willard and of course Austen Onek for getting in the trenches with us. Bill Willard and Scot Finley for calling the game, Chuck Neal as line judge, Bill Willard Sr. for always being out there and recording this madness.
Thanks to all of you for being a part of this. Poobah does it for you and I'm glad you enjoyed it.
